Media

I sometimes think that once you have made national news, U become a target. I , for the first time, saw a horrible story that was posted about me , my family and the hell we endured was made a joke!! Comments were made that I was a coal digger( white woman who only sleeps with black men) . My response absolute shock, Do they not see the name, Shawneda??? I am not white, I am multi racial so my color has nothing to do with my choice in men. I have never cared, I go for the inside person. Remarks were made that I had a kids to only dress up and fill a void, I have!! A full fan club with pictures of us and tons of statements to finish the job. I didn’t deserve life, He should have strangled me daughter with the condom I should have used…

It perpetrated more fear than I had previously!! What if one of these crazy people try to find me and finish it.. My girls, what will they endure as a repercussion?? I am in a confidential address program and stay in and secure most all the time but I have seen the worst in people… Where their eyes are black and you know there is nothing behind those eyes!!

The thing that saves me is that fear is not of God!! I have seen his protection over us and know its real!! I do hope that people realize this was a family that didn’t ask for media attention! I do things now ; Like speaking , social media, my blog…. But I do this to show strength, give woman hope, see that we don’t have to merely Survive but we can Thrive. I never want to be remembered as a , “Survivor but as a Strong Woman who Thrives”… I was and am not a character in a story but a human with the same emotions as Everyone!! I have now and then, only wanted the best for my kids… U made your point but you will not stop Gods plan. I didn’t start out in this life nor did I decide to change @ 40 yrs old but I was handed this and I will , regardless of anyone’s thoughts, continue!!!/#DomesticViolence #support #strength #Thriving #Showingmygirlsbetter

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Changes

As I wake this morning, I have read through many stories of domestic violence, the insecurities and the fear that stays instilled in us for Years after!! An Abused brain does not heal completely. Our brain is only capable if repairing few cells at a time. So , Ur never going to be the same person!! It takes so long for the brain to find new route’s to get us the same information!! And your reaction to the future won’t be the same!! Nor do I want it 2!! I don’t want to be the sane girl that was weak enough to not see what someone was taking from me. I never want to lose myself trying to make a man happy!! As I read in others post, Dating is extremely hard!!! I can’t commit to anyone else, have them in my home, with my kids and never not worry about an alternative motive!!

Also, I think about the words that were spoken to me when the gun shattered my teeth and brought on 18 reconstructive surgeries!!” I would never talk to another man , again”! The fear and isolation I feel is just what he wanted so I will get up at some point and trust again. But this time, I will pray and do everything I can to make sure I don’t attract the wrong people. I don’t allow men to pay for me. I choose to take back MY POWER!! Wait on God not the flesh, I have seen everything wrong in a relationship, now I will make myself aware and be successful in anything I WANT!! Its OUR Power!! We have always let a man run us… Not anymore, What ever ur kryptonite is. Study it, pray and meditate for The bondage to be released and wait. No one knows the future but I do know we deserve LOVE and Companionship. Never allow anyone to steal anymore Joy from U! #DomesticViolence #Dating #Security #keeppushing!!

Let Down

There are days I feel just as hopeless and hurt as every other woman that has suffered trauma!! I just try my best not to let my one bad day turn into 2 bad days. Even being 2 years out, Its still hard. I can say that I never hurt or miss him. I can never get passed his actions!! But the false reality and obsession that is completely dangerous!! Became our normal. Its hard to see a man working at a normal rate and feel a connection!! I am glad I studied so many signs and can easily pick it out!! I also wonder if I am lumping all behaviors into abuse but I can never take that chance again. So many days, I see my girls struggle in ways that they never had to with me and I still feel like I let them down. Be aware, I know his actions or shooting, I could not avoid but the life and people I trusted is completely on me!! So, I just continue to take each day as a gift!! Try to become better and closer to my higher power. I want my girls to see I cracked but I didn’t break nor will they!!! Every time I think of giving up, I think of them and the chance I have been given to make a difference in someone else’s life. Stop them from my heartache!! Speaking out and sharing is the only way I know to impact. Let others know ur not alone. 1/3 women are abused and 1/9 men. There is no map, no one to guide you through the process….. No one even gives you a list to follow. I want to fix that, I want to build a community that actually helps each other because they normally take our support away!! The isolation and fear van overcome you if you don’t find support or a way to release. Stay Silent, Stay Sick… Ban 2gether, Let’s Thrive past Survival 2gether

Surviving 2 Thriving

I am a single mother of 2 amazing girls. I have spent most of my life suffering different types of abuse. I have endured; mental, physical, emotional, verbal, sexual and financial abuse. On Jan, 27th,2018. I had called the police with threats on my life had been made on several occasions. That Friday night, he went as far as to get a gun and threaten death. I called , police came. My 15 yr old and I was in the process of getting us an apartment. Everything had to be done in secret. He got my phone, seeing I had a true plan, contacted the people I would be renting from and made physical threats to them. I suffer from Multiple Sclerosis and the fighting had me to the point of exhaustion. The police asked, ” if I had a place to go”. I’m almost 3000 miles from home and had no one but his family. I stayed bolting us in until I could muster the energy to move in the AM. I invited my daughter to sleep with me for security, she begged to leave, Saying something was right. By 9 am the next morning. I had a knock , several hard Knocks on my front door. Looking out, I saw my 5’3″ step daughter who I feared in no way. I informed her , I was locked in. She tried getting in and and I explained I was afraid of her Dad. I let her in a few minutes later, My husband entered. Going through house, breaking phones(He already had service turned off) , making claims I had given things to a man. I made a joke to break the ice and he then threatened to shoot me in the head. I asked my daughter to call,Police. 911 still works!! She was scared( understanding) I called. When his daughter heard me say police. She began to scream, ” she had a warrant “! I tried to explain it was my life and my that time. He came from our bedroom into foyer and raised his arm. I saw a white rag fall and saw steel. I knew what it was, I cried for him to be rebuked. He shot and missed my head. Then he was against me holding it in my mouth. My teeth shattered and claimed ,” I would never speak to another man. ” He then started looking at my daughter and myself. I was terrified then I heard another shot, my neck was hot. He continued looking at my baby , and then… He shot her in the chin and I tried to cover her and he had hit her chest and pierced her lung. He was backing out still pulling trigger. His daughter came back for keys to my car. He turned himself in after making sure I had no access to anything. He had not paid bills in our home since October and our house never operated like that!! I lost everything we had and was homeless, scared and still fighting for my daughter. I have survived with nothing and I am learning how to thrive in my circumstance and try to help another family from ever experiencing our fate. I know the signs now. I was being groomed for years without realizing it!! I am still fighting in court. Have no access to money or help from the man that solely supported me for years. I’m making it and I know together. WE CAN ALL THRIVE!! Help each other, don’t give 2nd chances and learn to love u b4 a relationship!!